House's Blogs
by drjordy
Summary: What House was thinking after every episode.
1. Pilot

_A/N: This story is a bunch of blogs House wrote. They will take place after every episode of the show._

So, I had a new case. Wilson told me that it was his cousin Rebecca. He practically begged me to take the case. It sounded interesting, so I though, why not? Plus, my lackeys have been getting on my nerves complaining about the lack of cases, so I thought I could put them to work.

On another front, I wish people would stop telling me to wear a doctor's coat. Does that make you a better doctor by wearing a stupid coat? Whoever invited it should die. I guess they probably are dead by now. Some doctor probably killed him.

Of course, while I am trying to solve the case, Cuddy is on my back again for not doing my job. My job is to solve hard cases, not wipe snot off kids in the clinic. I like how she threw in she could fire me, even though I have tenure. She would never get rid of me. I am way to precious to her hospital. Please, I have been doing it for six years. If she was going to fire my for slacking off, she would have done it by now. That woman sure has some balls, though. She pulled my authorization. She has really good comebacks too. If she wasn't my boss and the she-devil, I think I could actually like her. I like how she made the comment about how 'we are doctors and if we do not do our job, people die.' I then heard the exact same then on General Hospital. At least I know when Cuddy is riding my back, she does really care about the patients. At least she is not going against me just because I am an ass, like my other bosses!

I don't even want to talk about my orange patient today. What a moron!

I though it was a little funny that Foreman tried to take the moral ground and say that he would not break into the patient's house. He acts like he has never broken the law before. I hired him because I needed a smart doctor who wasn't afraid to break the rules!

Foreman still needs a lot of training, though. I would have gotten the ham idea if I had been him and had gone to her apartment. I probably would still have eaten the sandwich, but I would have called Cameron to start the treatment.

Of course my patient had to be argumentative. I hate when patient's demand proof. When they go to medical school and get a better argument, I will listen to them. Okay. I won't. But they would be a better chance that I would. I was right anyway, so no proof was needed. Hopefully, if she is ever in the hospital again, she will just listen to her doctor and shut up.

Cameron was a little upset that I hired her because of her looks, but I thought it was a compliment. I really have to find out what is wrong with her. The next thing that will probably is Chase will come in and start complaining because I hired him due to his daddy issues.

The last thing I want to say is what the F is up with Wilson lying to me about the patient being his cousin. It's like he thought that would make me take the case. Sorry. I took it because it was interesting, not because you guilted me into taking it because she was your patient. I guess everyone really does lie. I just hate when they do it to me.


	2. Paternity

I was actually a little happy to get a case. It actually gave me a good excuse to avoid clinic duty. Wilson was a little shocked that I had no causes, but what was I supposed to do? I do not make people sick. He thinks I am wasting my teams talents, but if Cameron didn't open my mail, then I would. What if I got a paper cut? Plus, opening mail is one of Cameron's talents.

Apparently, forgery is a talent of hers too. I get a family coming in telling me they have an appointment with me. I thought that was a little strange because either I didn't do that or I was totally plastered when that happened. Turns out it was Cameron with her girlie G's.

I decided to take the case because the boy had night terrors. Healthy teenagers do not get night terrors unless something was going on. I just assumed daddy was taking advantage of him. It could have been mommy. I do not want to be sexist.

This kid has more problems than night terrors. He thinks baby elephant is a type of animals that starts with a B. Oh, the American school system. Then again, Cameron can't even take a proper medical history. The boy had been hit in the head and no one thought that was important enough to mention. Of course, that is the kids stupid parent's fault, but Cameron needs to learn that everyone lies.

I was just about to let the kid leave when a saw a myoclonic jerk in his leg. After asking him a few questions, I knew something was actually wrong with the kid. Maybe Cameron did know what she was doing. Once we got back to my office, though, she had to go write her girlie G on my white board. She needs to learn to have a doctor's crappy handwriting if she wants to be taken seriously.

Foreman needs to learn not to take things as seriously. He didn't want to bet with me about the patient's paternity at first, but of course my brilliant argument made him do it. I almost had to do the paternity test at an autopsy when the genius kid almost jumped off the roof. I still can't believe Foreman called me up to tell me that he was missing. I'm not Jack Malone. I do not find missing people.

I was a little happy that he called me because I got to see Cuddy in a tennis outfit. I have to admit that I have never seen a dean of medicine that hot in a tennis outfit. Of course, all the other deans I have worked with have been guys. Either way, I am going to be thinking of Cuddy in the shower for the next few days until Showtime shows another good adult film.

I think Cuddy must be a spy, though. How in the world did she know about the paternity bet? I can't believe she bet too! That's awesome!

Anyway, let's get away from my daydreams and back to the patient. His parents came and yelled at me for eating lunch. Yes, let me starve to death as I save your son. At least I got to steal their cups to do a paternity test.

I had to deal with another patient during this time. I think he has sued half of the hospital on the east coast. I have a feeling he won't be suing anymore people after he deals with me.

I have to admit I was a little shocked when I found out that neither of my patient's parents were biological his parents. Once again, they are idiots for not telling me that he was adopted. I would never have figured out that the birth mother was vaccinated if it hadn't been for my bet. Unfortunately, I have to pay Cuddy back for the test. I am sure I could come up with a better way to pay her back instead of clinic duty. It would definitely involve her and that tennis outfit.

The worst part of this case is that is made me remember my lacrosse playing days. I will never get used to have a bum leg.


	3. Occam's Razor

So, Wilson got me to take another case today. Unfortunately, if I keep taking cases, he is going to think it is because he asked me and not because the case was interesting. I think Wilson knows me well enough, though, that he has only been giving me good cases. My patient passed out after having sex. I wonder if his fiance has a sister. I would say I wonder if she would be interested in me, but she seemed really annoying from everything I heard from my team. I guess I should say the 'she has a boyfriend' thing, but that doesn't stop a lot of people.

Foreman tried the whole Occam's razor idea that the simplest explanation is the best when I suggested that the patient had two things wrong with him. It may be a one in a million shot, but it wasn't a zero in a million chance. It is like what Lloyd said on Dumb And Dumber: 'So you are telling me I have a chance.' I bet Foreman $50 that I was right, which I wasn't. He wasn't right either, so that made me happy. Turns out that my patient got the wrong pills for his cough. Pharmacists are stupid. They are worst then paramedics. They are all doctor wannabe's.

I had a woman in the clinic today who was going around getting the most out of her health insurance because she was being fired. That is so something I would do. She impressed me. Speaking of clinic, I had some fun with Cuddy today. I kept paging her for all my clinic cases. It was hilarious. I was surprised that she didn't really yell at me for it. I also liked how she paged Wilson to go instead of herself. That was a major Wilson burn without me even trying. Wilson is an idiot. He thinks I have a thing for Cuddy. I admit that she is hot, but I do not know if she is hot enough to look pass the evilness.

Too bad that I cannot remember my patient's name. He said that he has done ecstasy twice and it is always smart to keep people with an in phone numbers written down.


	4. Maternity

I was watching General Hospital in the OB/GYN lounge when two doctors came in today. At first I was annoyed that they were bothering me, but then they got my attention with the talk of two sick babies. After looking over the babies, I went to Cuddy to tell her about the epidemic, but she didn't believe me. She thought I was just trying to start trouble. I think she might have still been a little peeved from the week before when I kept paging her to look over my clinic patients. It wasn't until I proved that more babies were sick that Cuddy finally believed me. Of course, since the hospital is Cuddy's baby and her baby is sick, she jumped on board. She had med students swabbing the whole place. If Cuddy ever has a real kid, she will probably make me give it a full physical every week. I can just imagine her coming to my apartment in the middle of the night and saying her baby sneezed. If Cuddy is going to come to my apartment in the middle of the night, I do not want it to be because of a sneezing baby. I want a thong to be involved. Of course, I eventually want the thong to go away.

I can tell that Cuddy was really worried about her 'baby' because she actually let me give two babies two different treatments. I know that I am a jerk, but it is even hard for me to see a baby die. It is even harder to perform an autopsy, but it has to be done. If I had worked faster, maybe all the babies would have lived.

Wilson didn't understand why after I solved the case I still needed to see what was spreading the virus. I just wanted to scream that it doesn't matter if we cured the babies if more were going to get sick. Cuddy can only handle one health crisis at her hospital a year.

At least now everyone cannot complain that I am watching TV in the OB/GYN lounge because I helped stop an epidemic in the maternity ward. I also promised to assist a clinic patient giving birth. That woman does not know what she is in for with having me in there with her.


End file.
